How To Support
A Survivor
Learn how to offer thoughtful support to survivors of rape and sexual abuse, with practical guidance for family, friends, colleagues, and professionals. For more in-depth information, visit the Supporting Survivors section on our TST Resources website.
What to do when someone tells you they have been raped or sexually abused
When someone tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted or abused, it can be a lot to handle. It’s completely normal to feel worried or overwhelmed. A supportive reaction is essential to diminish any shame or blame that person might be feeling as a result of experiencing sexual abuse. Encouraging words and phrases can avoid judgment and show support.
The most important thing you can do is to listen empathetically and tell the person that you believe them. Validate their reality. Acknowledge the harm done to them and recognise the courage and strength it has taken for that person to disclose to you.
If the person is still in contact with the perpetrator, try to avoid saying anything negative about them. You understandably may be upset or angry, but the person may still have complicated feelings about the perpetrator. Instead, focus on the survivor and what they need now to help them.
Emotional support
Being kind and non-judgmental can make a big difference to someone who has experienced sexual violence or abuse.
Effective listening
When a survivor feels as though they have been understood and listened to, it affirms and validates their feelings and experiences.
Listening does not come naturally to most people, so we need to work at it, to stop ourselves ‘jumping in’ and giving our opinions, or trying to ‘rescue’ the survivor. Both of these responses can be unhelpful. Often, people do not listen properly –they just take turns to speak.
Effective listening is not just about what somebody says, it includes body language, facial expressions, reactions of others, cultural elements, and the reactions of the speaker and the listeners to each other.
Authentic listening involves expressing how what you are hearing is making you feel, e.g. angry, sad, etc. This should not override the survivor’s needs, but your humanness can play a role in helping the survivor to reconnect with others.
Here are some ways that you can be an effective listener:
- Pay attention – Give your full attention. Try to avoid any distractions or mentally preparing a response.
- Show that you are listening – Adopt an engaged posture. Acknowledge understanding by nodding or verbally.
- Clarify – Summarise what you have heard. Ask questions to clarify that you have correctly understood.
- Withhold judgment – Avoid interrupting and wait until the person has finished speaking.
- Open-mindedness – Try not to let your opinions, assumptions or judgements cloud what you hear.
- Reflect – Rephrase what has been said can help a survivor feel heard as well as make sense of their feelings.
We have a lot more information and video resources on our designated resources website for you.
Practical support
You might be asking yourself, ‘But what can I actually do to help?’
Helping out with practical tasks, chores and organising things can help to relieve additional stressors from anyone who is overwhelmed with the effects of experiencing sexual abuse, whether the assault occurred recently, weeks, months or years ago. Let a survivor’s own needs and choices guide your support—it empowers them and helps ensure your response is truly for them, not to ease your own discomfort.
Sometimes a survivor may just want you to accompany them to an appointment to give them some emotional support. Be clear what they want and expect from you at the appointment, whether they want you to advocate on their behalf or not. It is important to allow the survivor to take the lead if they feel able to and often it can help recovery when the person acts on their own behalf.
Experiencing the aftermath of sexual abuse can be overwhelming and seriously affect a person’ ability to function on a day-to-day basis. Even tasks that seem simple, such as getting out of bed or making something to eat, can just be unmanageable to somebody who is struggling. On the other hand, some individuals may go into ‘overdrive’ and attempt to do too much and everything at once. Trauma responses vary from person to person, but there are some commonly recognised reactions. To understand trauma better, you can visit the Trauma section on our resources website.
Signposting
Sharing information about support options can help a survivor choose what’s right for them. Offering to look into what services are available for someone and how they can access these can be really helpful.
The Survivors Trust member agencies offer specialist support to all survivors of rape, sexual abuse and sexual assault.
A local Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC) or Independent Sexual Violence Adviser (ISVA) service is usually a good place to direct a victim/survivor to, even if it is only for advice. They understand the needs associated with the aftermath of sexual violence, both recent and non-recent, and will often be able to signpost to other organisations, such as drug and alcohol misuse services, counselling, sexual health etc. There are also national helplines who will offer a range of advice.
Recognise your limitations and that you are not a professional, nor are you expected to know everything. It is always better to signpost a survivor rather than risk misinforming them, albeit with good intention, or taking on too much responsibility yourself.
Boundaries
Being there and giving support to someone who has experienced sexual abuse can make a real difference to their journey of recovery. It is really important that you also recognise, understand and take care of your own needs to.
Know your own limitations
If a survivor you are supporting wants more than you are able to give them, there are a few things that you can do to make sure you look after yourself and not take on responsibility for their recovery:
- Admit your limits
- Encourage the survivor to call on other resources
- Take some breaks
- Get help for yourself
- Address this issue before it becomes a major problem. Face it in partnership with the survivor.
If you want to read more about challenges setting boundaries and tips for healthy boundaries, head over to our resources website.
Self-care
Being a supporter of a survivor can be a challenge. While holding the potential for tremendous growth, it can also leave you feeling conflicted, overwhelmed or resentful. You may be frightened or confused, unsure what to do, how to feel or what to expect. These are natural and appropriate responses to a complex and trying situation.
Remember that you are only human. It is okay to get things ‘wrong’ sometimes. Owning and apologising where appropriate is important.
Dealing with such raw pain is difficult and you need a place where you can express your own feelings and frustrations. If you find yourself feeling extremely defensive or upset when they are talking about the abuse or the effects, you may be reacting from experiences you’ve repressed from your own past. This is very common. One person’s pain frequently brings up hurt for another. Seek support in dealing with your own unresolved feelings. You are important, too. Visit our Wellbeing webpage for further advice on how you can look after yourself.
Remember that professional support is available for you, too. You may find it useful to seek counselling or therapy yourself. Several of The Survivors Trust member agencies offer specialist support for survivors’ loved ones.